My Emotional State

I’ve started using a period tracker. I know, ew gross. The female anatomy. ‘Kay, now that we have that over with, I have discovered that using one of these apps is actually super helpful, and not just to “avoid being pregnant”, which is basically the only option the app gives that doesn’t involve already being pregnant or wanting to be pregnant. They need an option that says, “Single and not wanting to bleed on her underwear”. But I digress.

This app is additionally helpful for tracking other things, like your weight, stress levels, and emotions. At first I was just ignoring the option to log my emotions for the day — how much effort do they want from me? — but when I decided to give it a shot, I started to notice some recurring emotions. Below, I have provided a list of the times I’ve remembered to track my emotions:

Log: I feel Frustrated and Tired

Log: I feel Frustrated, Happy, and Tired

Log: I feel Anxious, Emotional, Excited, and Tired

Log: I feel Calm, Depressed, Frustrated, Neutral, Sad, and Tired

Log: I feel Focused, Frustrated, and Tired

Log: I feel Anxious, Happy, Motivated, and Tired

Log: I feel Anxious, Energetic, Excited, and Happy

emotionsThe app I’m using is not terribly efficient at mapping out my emotions, or showing anything other than the day that I’m currently looking at. Maybe there are some better apps that people know of. But it is really helpful for me to sift through and see some common themes in my emotional state. Usually I will only log emotions that stand out to me — if they weren’t strong enough to last more than a minute or two, then I don’t count that. I think of these logs as extremes. If I felt slightly sad while thinking about a sad event, I probably won’t log that emotion. If I felt happy when I laughed at a joke a coworker said, I probably won’t log that. I will, however, log any time that I felt happy or sad or whatever emotion for any stretch of time.

Which really goes to show that I feel frustrated a lot. I feel anxious a lot, though not as often as I’d expected. I feel tired a lot. And looking back on these logs, I notice that the only time I log that I’m happy is when I am hanging out with friends — not meeting, or practicing, even if I’m with friends — when I’m hanging out with friends. Just allowing myself to be with people brings me joy. It’s a good thing to be mindful of as I’m planning my time in the future.

That is, ironically, the best thing that this period tracking app has done for me: it has made me more mindful. It is an incredibly powerful thing to be mindful of the feelings you have throughout the day, even if you don’t know what to do with them. To know when you are upset, or relaxed, or angry, or any range of emotions, and to be able to look for patterns, is kind of awesome. I don’t know how long it will be before my excitement at this app fizzles out and I stop using it, but for now, it has been a refreshing peek into my subconscious.


My Bye Week

This past couple of weeks have mostly been bogged down by political commentary and busyness, so instead of trying to come up with something uplifting to write, I have instead decided to focus on site maintenance and uploading old high school films to the Internet. If any of you want to see a bunch of kids getting their hands on cameras, check out the film page (it’s in descending order, so oldest works are at the bottom of the page). The newer stuff will be uploaded once I get my act together and finish up more projects.


“Faith is 24 hours of doubt and one minute of hope.”

This honest description comes from a woman wracked with trauma and hiding in secrecy — from a nun, in fact. Director Anna Fontaine’s THE INNOCENTS explores a too-real, overwhelmingly solemn experience, based on real events, which hope to remind us of the truth behind this statement.

Mathilde Beaulieu (Lou de Laâge) is a young doctor working for the French Red Cross in Poland, 1945. When a nun comes to the door of a survivor camp at the end of the war, Mathilde discovers a world constructed by nightmares: in the nearby convent, several nuns are in advanced stages of pregnancy, a result of a night in which German soldiers attacked the convent 9 months previous. Mathilde agrees to help the nuns in birthing the babies, and to keep their secret.

img_1492What an emotionally brutal, complex story to bring to the big screen, and yet it is handled with such sensitivity. The plot unfolds with as much prudence as can be hoped for, not forceful in its procedure but simply allowing the audience to uncover the horror of the situation themselves. Fontaine gives a devastating look at the inner turmoil of these nuns as they struggle with their faith and outward perception, not to mention PTSD from the rapes, throughout the film.

De Laâge shines in her performance, serving as the surrogate for the audience while simultaneously tackling her own arc. Agata Buzek and Agata Kulesza (who we’ve recently seen in last year’s IDA) give beautiful performances as well, handling their characters’ circumstances with great delicacy.

This is a film you won’t want to miss. THE INNOCENTS is now playing at Midtown Cinema!